The Babysitter
by mismatchedsocktwins
Summary: What happens when James and Lily can't find a babysitter for just one night and Sirius is available? Well, Harry's learning some new words and Sirius get his first shot! Rated T for language.
1. The Babysitter

**The Babysitter**

"No, James! I'm not leaving that man alone with my child!" Lily argued.

"But Lily, Sirius loves Harry! And I don't want to have to cancel the reservations at the restaurant now! And it's just one night."

"Listen James, I love Sirius, but you do realize we are leaving him in charge of our _house, _and another _human being_ who happens to be our _child_."

"I trust Sirius. And there's nobody else available. I would ask Remus, but he's having a hard time tonight. And it's only _one_ night." James added. Lily sighed reluctantly.

"James, I don't know about this…"

"Do you really think that Sirius would hurt Harry? No, they'll be fine! One night. And you need some time away from the house, some time for James to sweep you off of your feet again." James waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

Lily giggled. "I guess you're right. I'll go floo for him."

James' cough sounded quite fake. "I… er… kinda already did that."

"What? Without consulting me first? How could you? I thought we agreed not to keep secrets when we got married…" _Here she goes, _James thought. And so she did. For the next hour, Lily ranted to James about how he did the "wrong thing" in this situation and what-not. James tried his best to ignore her. Eventually, Harry woke up screaming and the doorbell rang loudly.

"That's Sirius, I'll get it!" James said hurriedly. Lily stalked off to get her baby boy, mumbling something about how that 'black haired moron' should never be left in charge of anything; especially _her _child!

"Good afternoon, Lily dearest!" Sirius exclaimed as he marched into the room, stole Harry out of his mother's arms and immediately threw him up in the air and catching him repeatedly saying "How's my favorite little devil doing?"

"Do not call my child a devil!" Lily reprimanded.

"Aw, Lily! You know he's gonna be just like his 'ole godfather when he gets older!" The look of pure horror crossed Lily face and she left the room mumbling to god about helping her through those awful days to come.

"Looks like it's time to go!" James was excited, but did feel a bit of a fool leaving Sirius alone with his child. "Just don't, ya know, kill him, or anything." James told Sirius.

"Would I kill my favorite little daredevil? Maybe I'll take him cliff-diving." When he saw the look of pure terror on James' face, he added, "In a year or so." James didn't look consoled.

"Time to go I suppose." James muttered, following Lily out the door.

Sirius looked to Harry, who was now sitting on the other side of the room. He had a look of utmost destruction. His smile was turned up in the corners and he had that gleam to his eyes like that of Sirius himself when he and James had turned Snape's hair pink for a month.

"Okay little dude, you're kinda creeping me out." He bared his two front teeth, or fangs, as Sirius called them. The other teeth hadn't grown in yet and he looked much like a vampire.

"Er… how about some food, little man?" Sirius asked.

"Foo! Foo!" Little Harry screamed.

"Okay then, what do you want, demon."

"Queerios! Queerios!"

"Queerios?"

"Queerios! Queerios!" Harry yelled louder.

"Okay… applesauce it is then."

"No!" Harry screeched louder than a screaming banshee.

"Okay, okay! No applesauce. Really, porker, what do you want?"

"Queerios." He looked as if he thought he was saying this quite clearly.

"Erm… okay. Let's go to the kitchen then you little magical being you!" Sirius pulled Harry up by his feet and carried him up-side down to the kitchen and placing him on the counter.

"Okay. Queerios… Queerios…" Sirius rummaged through the cabinets in search for the 'Queerios'. Quite suddenly, he heard something coming from behind him. When Sirius looked, Harry, who had turned on the blender, was about to stick his fingers into it. "No! Don't go near the food smusher!" Sirius yelled, grabbing his godson off of the counter just in time. "What are you, some kind of moron?"

Harry looked at Sirius, clearly intrigued. "Moron?" He said slowly. "Moron! Moron! Moron!" He started yelling.

"No! Bad boy!"

"Bad?" Harry looked as though he was about to cry. His little lip pouted in that baby like manner and his eyes glistened with little teardrops.

"No, no, no! Don't cry! You're a good boy, good Harry!"

"Harry no bad?"

"No, Harry's good. Really good!" The small human pondered this for a moment before smiling.

"Good Harry! Good Harry!" He patted himself on the top of the head. "Bad Sirius!" He exclaimed, pointing to his godfather.

"What? But… oh what ever. I'll make you some grub, little menace, you go play in the playroom." After searching the cabinets, Sirius found a box of Cheerios. "Oh! Cheerios!" He began to walk to the playroom when he saw just what little Harry was doing.

Harry had all of the cassette tapes and VHS tape-reels out on the rug and was slowly entertaining himself by pulling the shiny black ribbons from inside of the tapes. "What the fuck do you think you're doing you little moron?"

Harry looked at his godfather, processing what he had just said. "Fuck?"

"Oh god… oh god… what the bloody hell have you done, Sirius?" The man asked himself.

"Hell? Fuck, hell! Fuck, hell! Fuck, hell!" Harry began to sing as he ripped the tape apart.

"Stop that…" _You know, it kinda looks like… fun. _Sirius thought before sitting down and pulling some of the ribbon from the tapes as well. After a good twenty minutes of this, he looked around to see that he had made quite the mess. And another thing: Harry happened to be missing.

"Oh shit!" Sirius yelled, leaping to his feet and heading no where in particular. As he was walking by a nice little table, he heard some sort of infernal ringing. He looked over. It was the telephone. Sirius glared at it for a solid minute. When it didn't stop ringing, he picked up the receiver and shook it violently. "Make this fucking thing shut up!" Whilst shaking the phone, he accidentally hit the 'on' button.

The ringing had subsided. Sirius sighed with relief before he heard something that sounded oddly like little squeaky voices. He soon realized that it was coming from the telephone and as he put it near his ear he heard a clear human voice. "Hello? Would you like to buy some emergency bladder relief pills?" But the man's voice was not heard by Sirius, whom was screaming at the top of his lungs.

"Oh my god! There's someone stuck in there!" He threw the phone down on the table and grabbed a knife. He then stabbed said phone repeatedly. When the phone was in little shards of plastic, Sirius sighed heavily and put the knife down. That was when he noticed little Harry sitting there with the utmost look of awe on his little, tiny features.

That look of awe soon vanished to a brilliant smile of the two fangs. "Again! Again! Again pafoo!" Harry began yelling.

"Oh, shit… what have I gotten myself into?" He asked himself.

"Shit?" Harry questioned.

**Okay, we aren't JK. 5 reviews to get an update! lollipop and penguin-girl**


	2. The Hospital Of Doom!

Chapter Two

**Chapter Two**

It had been an hour and Sirius Black was purely tuckered out. He'd never worked so hard in his life! Running around and using his energy! It seemed blasphemous! To top it all off, he had lost the kid again…

"Nugget! Where'd you go my little piece of poultry?" Sirius called through the house. When he got to James and Lily's room, he only saw it fit to look under the bed. And so he did just that. He stuck his head and arms under the bed, a pretty close fit.

Suddenly he heard giggling from behind him and something was tapping on his bottom end. The strangest feeling of being on fire reached his backside. He yelped and attempted to stand, but found that this wasn't possible due to the whole 'stuck under a bed thing'.

When Sirius finally got out from under the bed, he gave the little baby Harry quite the glare. Harry, realizing that he _may_ have made pafoo unhappy and _might_ be in trouble, quickly said. "Shit!" and scurried from the room.

_I'll just accio the kid,_ Sirius thought triumphantly. But soon, this idea was thrown from his head as he reached into his pocket and found his wand missing. _So this is why my ass was on fire,_ he thought bitterly. He then dashed from the room to find that aggravating little demon child.

As Sirius walked from the room, his eyes widened and he had to duck quickly because Harry was riding that damn toy broom that James had bought him. _I'll have to have a word with that man later,_ Sirius reflected. But right now he had to chase a toddler on a broomstick.

And so the chase went. Harry zoomed around the room, knocking over the knick-knacks as he went. Sirius, who was following him, _may_ have knocked over a few objects on his own; and run into a couple of walls here and there. As each ornament crashed to the ground, he thought_ Lily is so going to kill me! _

After quite some time, Harry crashed into a wall and fell to the floor. The look of shock passed over his face and Sirius knew what would come next.

"Oh, no… Please, just-just, Harry-doodle!" But he could hardly hear himself over the loud wail that Harry let out.

"Wah-AH!"

"No, no, no! This isn't happening. I must've… fallen asleep!" Sirius whacked himself on the forehead. "Dammit!" He clutched his forehead, whimpering in pain.

"Okay, okay, Harry. Calm down…" But little Harry was wailing too loudly to even hear Sirius. "Look at the funny face!" Sirius made a face that looked quite scary to the toddler and resulted in louder wails of despair.

Sirius suddenly realized that Harry's fall may have been _painful!_ What if something was wrong and he had a broken bone. _Oh no! I broke my godson! Lily's going to murder me, bury me, dig me up and murder me all over again! _

He picked up Harry and ran_. Maybe I'll flee the country. Me and my… well, I'll have to lie. Harry'll be my son now. I will make new names for us... I'll be… Alfonzo. And Harry will be… Alberto. And we'll move to Nebraska, Mexico!_

It was quite clear that Sirius' thought process was off. Maybe that was due to the fact that he couldn't apparate anywhere because he still didn't have his wand. Or maybe it was the screaming baby in his ear.

And so Sirius simply ran. He'd only run a block or two when the answer to all of his problems folded out before his eyes. He ran into the hospital and yelled at one nurse, shoving the toddler into her arms. "Make it stop!"

The nurse seemed taken aback. "Oh my!" She yelled over Harry's screeching. "What happened?"

"He-he fell off of the… chandelier!" The nurse gave him a shocked look but proceeded to help Harry get to a doctor.

**3636363636363**

Sirius sat in the waiting room for what seemed like an eternity. Finally, a nurse came out and approached Sirius. He noted that she was quite hot.

"Mr.…?"

"Black, Sirius Black." Sirius replied suavely. The nurse seemed flattered and batted her eyelashes.

"Well Mr. Black, your son…"

"Godson!" Sirius corrected. "I'm not married!" Sirius tried to make this seem quite clear.

"Oh," The nurse seemed please at this confirmation. "Well, your godson is fine. But we do have another problem."

"What is it? Oh god Lily'll kill me if anything is wrong with him!" Sirius began to fret.

"Nothing is wrong with the little boy. _He's _perfectly fine. However, we don't seem to have any hospital records of you or the child."

"Erm…" Sirius didn't see what a "hospital record" had to do with any of this. "Well, I suppose I'll just be off then. Where the little snicker doodle?"

The nurse raised her eyebrows. "Er, you don't seem to understand. Are you from around here?" She questioned.

"Yeah, I live right down the street." Sirius was under the impression that he was going to get laid tonight.

The nurse seemed flattered, but had to get on with her job. "Okay then, we can't let you leave until we give you a routine check-up and your shots…"

"Shots? You're going to shoot me? Isn't it bad enough that Lily's going to kill me and…"

"No, Mr. Black! We won't be using any guns on you." She smiled a genuine smile that Sirius simply melted at. "Just follow me Mr. Black."

"Okay." He followed the nurse closely, watching the way that her hips moved just that little off beat to her step…

"Here we are, Mr. Black. You're nurse will be in shortly." She left. _She must be going to get changed into something more _appropriate._ Or maybe she's going to get some of her friends involved! Quite a pity James married…_ Sirius thought as he smiled to himself.

In a flash, the door was open and a huge woman stood in the doorway. "So you're the handsome bloke my daughter's in a fuss about." She let out some air in a way that clearly said 'I don't know _what_ she sees in _him_'.

"You spit on me!" Sirius yelped.

"Oh shut up and stay still!" The massive woman moved around while shining a light into Sirius' ear and mouth. _What purpose is this? _Sirius thought. _Is she discreetly checking me out? _

"Ah! The light burns!" Sirius screamed.

"Oh be quiet!" She then took a hammer-like tool and began to bash Sirius' knees in.

"Ow! Ow!" Sirius said as his legs jerked.

"Reflexes perfect." She checked something off on a sheet of paper.

She then continued to place the blood pressure cuff around his upper arm. She placed the stethoscope on the cuff and placed the ear pieces in her ears. She then began to squeeze a round ball. Sirius could feel the blood be cut off from his arm. They were trying to kill him!

"No!" He tried to stand up but was punched back into the chair. Yes, punched! She must be prejudice because of his hold over her daughter.

"Sit and stay!" She barked at him. A few moments passed as the nurse scribbled something down on the sheet of paper and prepared something. When she walked back over Sirius' eyes widened with fright at the long pointy needle she was holding.

He leapt from his seat and made a mad dash for the door. Unfortunately for Sirius, the woman grabbed him and flung him down on the hospital bed. Sirius was thrashing as she stuck the needle into him.

"No! It burns! It burns!"

**36363636363**

"Here you are, Mr. Black. Have a nice day." A male said to him as he walked out with Harry in his arms and four bandages on his arm. Maybe if he wouldn't have moved around so much, she wouldn't have had to keep re-doing the "shot".

On the positive side, Harry was no longer crying, but happily sucking on a lollipop with a sticker worn proud upon his chest.

As Sirius made his way from the hospital as quickly as he could manage, his name was called from behind him. "Sirius!" He turned to see the hot nurse walking towards him. He shifted and his eyes darted. He wanted to be as far away from this place as possible.

"You know, I was thinking that maybe… you know, we could, er, go out for… dinner sometime?" She looked hopeful.

"And let you poison me again? I don't think so!" And with that Sirius began to run back to the house. The nurse watched him run with confusion and a dejected look upon her face. Then something clicked.

"Mom!" The girl groaned as she trudged back into the hospital.

**12 reviews! Yay! So this time it will be 10 reviews for an update! Got it? Cool. I'm assuming that you can realize that this isn't JK finishing the tale for us, correct? **


	3. The Return of the Red Head

Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Sirius arrived back at the house, a sleeping Harry in his arms. He placed Harry in his little-bitty crib. _He's so cute! _

Sirius supposed that he should begin to clean up the house, but instead he fell upon the sofa with a huff and fell asleep promptly.

Suddenly, the house was on fire! Sirius dashed from the house and stood by the street corner waiting, watching the house burn to ashes. Just as the house collapsed, he remembered something. _Oh god, the little mongrel! _He thought. Should he run into the house and try to save the baby boy? Well, there wasn't much hope that he was alive. And what would be the point to kill _two_ people in one fire.

But then again, maybe he wasn't dead; he is a magical baby after all. And then there's Lily. What would she say if she found out? _Maybe I should just take the chance and die,_ Sirius thought.

Just then a voice came from behind him. "Oh my god, my house!" Sirius whipped around to see James standing there, bewildered as he watched the sight before his eyes.

"Harry! Where's my baby?" Lily turned to Sirius.

"I…I…" _Maybe I can make it into the fire before she catches me._

"You what, Sirius?" _Oh god, she's getting angry. Why is she getting angry? _

_**Well, you did murder her son. **_

_I didn't mean to!_

_**You left him in a fire! **_

_I didn't realize the fire would kill him! And my hair was starting to frizz!_

'_**Kay, you tell Lily that explanation and see how it goes over. I'm not stayin' to watch this one.**_

_No! Come back, my subconscious mind! _But it was far too late to beg for his mind to come back.

"What did you do to my baby?" Lily screeched.

"I…he…fire…" Sirius mumbled incoherently.

"Pafoo?" Sirius looked over to see a little floating, iridescent Harry. "Why did you murder me, Pafoo? I loved you."

"No!" Sirius screamed as he was woken brutally from his nightmare. He trampled up the stairs, tripping repeatedly. When he got to the top, he sprinted to Harry's room. "Midget!" He screamed.

He didn't think that his exclamation would be bad, but as the slowly waking Harry's face contorted and a scream blew from his lungs, Sirius really regretted the screaming.

"No, no! You're fine, you're fine!" _What would Remus do in a moment like this? _"Chocolate!" _Yes, Remus' solution to all. Why is the bran muffin still screaming? What would Remus say?_

"Harry? Want some chocolate?" Sirius asked in a soothing voice.

Harry stopped screaming and sniffled. "Talkalat?" Harry asked, his eyes wide.

"Yeah, yeah, chocolate! It's great! You'll love it!" _Note to self: punch James. How could James have never given his son chocolate?_ What Sirius didn't know was that Harry _has_ had chocolate before.

"Come on!" Sirius scooped up the toddler and bounded down the stairs. Much to his surprise, there was no chocolate in the house. _Lily's a girl though! All girls (and Remus) are supposed to need chocolate. _Sirius finally found some chocolate in the topmost shelf of the kitchen in the middle of no tables or chairs. Somewhere Harry would never be able to get to.

"Eat" he said to the small boy and stuffed the candy in him mouth.

"Wa-aah!" Harry then went into a mad coughing fit because of the chocolate lodged in his throat. _Oh good god, why me! Just take me now! Get rid of the pain! _

Suddenly Harry stopped crying and Sirius looked at the small boy. He had this look of pure euphoria on his small face. He had eaten the chocolate…

"Wow…"

"Hey shrimp, you okay?"

"Whee!" the next thing Sirius knew was that the small boy had jumped form his arms and was running around screaming.

"Whee! Look pafoo look what I can do! Catch!" And Harry threw a glass vase at him.

"No! Lily will kill me!" Sirius shrieked in terror as he flinched and threw his arms in front of his face. The vase smashed into his arm and proceeded to smash into smithereens. "Oh god, oh god, oh god…" Sirius chanted quietly to himself. Harry soon ran from the house and out the baby-door that James had built so that Harry could get in and out easier. Sirius went to follow him to the backyard, but suddenly the flames in the fire place burst into life and there was Lily.

"Hello Sirius!" Said the face of Lily in the fire.

"Lily!" Sirius screamed.

"Hi Sirius. I just wanted to say that we'll be home in a few minutes, so whatever you broke, fix it." _How could she assume that I'd… Well… _

"The house is in perfect condition!" Sirius lied as he moved the broken vase under the couch with his foot.

"That's fantastic! Is Harry asleep?"

"Er… No, he just woke up, actually!"

"Oh, could I see him?"

"Er… He just fell back asleep!" Sirius exclaimed.

Lily gave him that 'Lily look' where her eyebrows raise and she just _knows_ something is wrong. "Are you sure everything's okay?" She asked again.

"Yup! The house is fine!"

"And my baby?"

"He's fantastic…" Just then a crash came from the next room.

"What was that?" Lily sounded concerned.

"The cat!" Sirius screeched as he fled from the room.

"Er… I'll see you in five minutes. Or sooner…" Lily added with a look of immense concern on her face as her face disappeared from the fire.

Sirius was in the next room by now and he groaned in despair. "Oh, you little… little… ugh! No words can describe you right now.

"Harry good! Harry good!" Harry clapped his hands.

"Yes, Harry's good. But you need to sit on the couch and be quiet or else you'll never get to see padfoot again."

"No pafoo?"

"No, no pafoo." Sirius said, thinking of Lily.

"Okay, Pafoo." Harry sat on the couch and Sirius was left to the mess that the toddler had made. Every picture was smashed and on the floor. There was pudding everywhere. _Where the hell did he get pudding? Ooh! Is that tapioca? Yum…_ Suddenly Sirius had a vision; a vision of someone with red hair being very angry.

"Okay, okay." Sirius said to himself as he went around the room and picked up every broken object that he could find and threw it into a random closet. Little did he know it was the baby closet.

When he had finally gotten to the living room, Harry was not sitting quietly on the couch. Harry was not in the room at all. "Oh shit! Not again… not now!" The front door opened.

"Sirius?" That was Lily. _Oh god!_

"Coming!" He yelled.

"Hello Lily! James! How was your evening?"

"Awful. James reserved us a restaurant and apparently James looks gay because the waiter was hitting on him all night."

"Sorry," James said, looking to his feet.

"How did things go here?" Lily asked.

"Great!" Sirius voice shot up at least two octaves.

"Where's Harry?" James asked suddenly, reading the expression of terror on Sirius' face.

"Is he still asleep?" Lily asked.

"Er… not quite. Well, not at all, actually. He just kinda… well… and he… disappeared." Sirius was prepared for the worst.

"Oh! Is he playing hide and seek again? He loves that game lately!" Lily exclaimed, much to Sirius' delight.

"Oh! That must be it! Yes!"

"He loves to hide in the baby closet. He's just so adorable." Lily smiled and walked towards a closet. But not just any closet, the closet Sirius had shoved all of the broken objects in.

"Lily! I don't think he's in there!" Sirius tried to say.

"Trust me, Sirius." Lily was smiling. _Not for long,_ Sirius thought.

She extended her hand and grasped the door handle. Sirius closed his eyes and waited as the resounding crash echoed in his mind and Lily's shriek filled his ears. He opened his eyes slowly. James looked horrorstricken. Lily was getting redder by the second. And then there was Harry, sitting atop a large pile of junk, watching his mother.

"Fucking moron!" He yelled smiling as he pointed a finger straight at Sirius.

"Sirius… Black." Lily turned on the man, but Sirius was running out the door and down the street at top speed. He was about to apparate, but soon realized his wand was left at their house. Somewhere. Where, he had absolutely no clue.

"Sirius!" Lily screamed through the front door with James restraining her.

**So that's story number one. Good news though, there's a sequel to be out! So put this penname on your alerts list and maybe we'll update again sometime this weekend. **_**Why would Lily let Sirius baby-sit again?**_** You may be asking that very question, and we have an answer! Read the sequel and you'll have the answer too! Review, us. **


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